You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.