Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”