Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

The big book of baby names but for safe words

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

When a shoelace touches your ankle

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef