Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Pringles

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

Good morning y’all ☀️

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

The second world war should have been called world war returns