Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.