You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
accurate
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
getting groceries
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Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.