You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
honey, bring out the fine china.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL