You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
So we got a goldfish…
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist