You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I don’t get marriage
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife