You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold