You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Bloody internet 😳
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*