Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

Does it…does it take 3 days

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Ok but actually

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”