You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Whoops
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.