You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Blew my mind.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!