Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

how to market bottled water to dads

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

i will not be silenced

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?

Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Dumplings,

When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.

serving silly goose instead of turkey

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

Why? Just why? 😂

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED