You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
God making man in his image was the original selfie
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
What number SPF blocks people?
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.