Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

this makes me so uncomfortable

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”