You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant