You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?