You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me, reading some of your tweets