You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.