You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Phonetics
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud