You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
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No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade