You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
This is my emotional support knife.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas