You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
first you must answer his riddles
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.