Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Hahaha

I mean…it’s true!

#facts

#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

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me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register