Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

I learned 2 things today:

My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck

That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Passed by a old school Math example today.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.