Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”

Me: “ok”

Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person