Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Miscakes

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*