You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
why am I working on Labor Day
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more