You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”