You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
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“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
me watching my own Instagram story
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
when mom throws a party…
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.