Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?