@gobmentcheese: You don't know what real fear is, until you've been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
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@sixfootcandy: Him: Let’s go out tonight. Me: It’s a work night and very late. Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday. Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
@SkinnieTalls: The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
@KalvinMacleod: GENIE: and for your first wish? ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another GENIE: holy shit!
@bdbdleeroybrown: I wish you'd told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I've already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.