You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
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Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
constantly working on myself.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories