Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Fiction has to make sense.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Who called them dentures and not substitooths?

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.