Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

Free will is good, but free pizza is better.

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

her: let’s make a baby

me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.