Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”

“Honey, bunches of oats–”

“I think we’re done here.”

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.