Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

[Inventor of scented candles]

What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill