You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
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Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.