Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.