“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
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Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Bloody internet 😳
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
What’s so funny?
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*