“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
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[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”