“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
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Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Bloody internet 😳
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.