“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
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FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.