You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
So that’s what we looked like?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Introverted vegans go meetless
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.