You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
his wife is probably gonna see that
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
This is hilarious