You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
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“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.