You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
She puts the hot in psychotic
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
anyone else like Italian cereal
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
