You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
