You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good