You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.