You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*