You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either