@skedaddle74

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

@WittySassBasket

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

@Mr_Kapowski

If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son

@FuckabillyRex

I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

@tastefactory

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

@simoncholland

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

@Staggfilms

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

@fro_vo

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves