You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”