You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
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San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
This meal prepping shit easy
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
One cake enters. No cake leaves.