You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
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My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
OH. COME. ON.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.