You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
