You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Feel. He’s so soft.
Hit me in the face with a bird
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
The 6 types of sex
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.