You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.