you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
