You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Does your wife know you’re single?
they split up moments later
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.