You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door