You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
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I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
meanwhile over on facebook
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag