You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
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For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.