You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.