you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.