You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.