You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Was it something I said?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.