Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?

Me: I don’t have Netflix

Her: It means sex

Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

CUTE CAT‼︎

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye