You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
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The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”