You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Hmm, not sure about this change
Twitter is an abusement park.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
the official breakfast of 2021
