You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
You Might Also Like
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.