You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
new wife guy just dropped
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.