Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!

ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.