You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
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Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
God has abandoned us.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls