Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

My kitchen overserved me.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

Looking at you, Jesus.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers