You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Those are good neighbors.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.