You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
March 16
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.