You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
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I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.